Marriage, Children And Divorce
By Marshall Colt, Ph.D., Sat Dec 10th
It can happen in many ways. Sometimes, suddenly, out of theblue, with no warning whatsoever. Other times, the music slowly,gradually, fades to a deafening silence. Divorce is the great plague on American families today. Morethan 40% of adults under 40 are children of divorced parents.The U.S. now has the highest rate (roughly 44%) of theWestern nations, though it's slightly declining. Avoiding it,preparing for it and dealing with the consequences of when themusic stops involve millions of us every day. Here in France, where the "use" of a lover is accepted andfrequent, the current rate is 39%, having more thantripled since 1970. The trend is alarming. Even the French findtheir own institution of marriage "moins formidable" than before.
Sitting in this near-empty café, I'm struck how the odds thoselovers smooching on the Seine might marry, but then divorce, hasshot up like my blood pressure now, thanks to myless-than-attentive waiter. Infidelity, financial strains,sexual problems, parenting differences, poor anger management,career incompatibility and, of course, the catch-all"irreconcilable differences," cause marriages to dissolve andfamilies to suffer. Perhaps the pain becomes too great. Or the notion things arehopeless and won't change, or it will take too long and be toomuch work cause couples to pull the plug, give up. Hopelessnessis a powerful force, robbing us of energy and initiative. Of course, the stressful consequences of divorce can bedevastating emotionally, financially and on any children. Howparents inform their children and negotiate future parentingresponsibilities affect how children will react to the news. It's best to
tell your children together, simply, honestly anddirectly. Don't go into detail about why or bash your spouse.It's okay to reveal your sadness, while allowing them to alsoshow their feelings. If you're separating and not sure aboutdivorce, don't make predictions or promises you can't keep. Tryto keep things as consistent as possible. Let your children know they're not responsible, that nothingthey've done is causing the separation, and they can't doanything to make you get back together. Do not use your childrenas communication go-betweens. Assure them you both love them andwill continue to take care of them. Most people entering marriage expect it to last. Success worthhaving is worth fighting for...through both the exhilaratinghighs and mind-numbing lows. Barring physical abuse, couples can repair and improve theirmarriages. I've seen 'em do it countless times in San Diego marriagecounseling. Sometimes it's quicker and easier than expected.Sometimes it takes time. Well, the music between my now-empty café waiter and me hasdropped to one decibel. Clearly, he has more important things todo than attend to beaucoup-euros-paying little ol' me. Iconsider divorcing him (C'est la vie, c'est la guerre), butdecide to give it another shot. Monsieur!...pardon, monsieur! Okay, I've had enough. The music's died. I'm leaving. Hey, bud,Happy Bastille Day! Wait! Mon Dieu, he's coming over! I hearmusic. Before you bid adieu to your duet, consider the assistance of anexperienced, well-regarded marriage counselor. For more information: http://www.advance-counseling.com/ About the author:Dr. Marshall Colt is Executive Director of Advance Counseling,LLC in San Diego, serving clients since 1994. Licensed inCalifornia, Colorado and Florida, Dr. Colt has been in privatepractice for over 11 years, working with a variety of peopledealing with the challenges of adolescence and adult life. See:http://www.advance-counseling./com |
